Time

It's the end of term. I'm sorry I have not written but there is much study to do.
With the reworking of my core foundational techniques of breathing and developing my cricothyroid muscles that I apparently have not ever developed before, singing is a very interesting experience. I love how when I go to lessons there is always another level we work on. I don't believe that by looking over lesson tapes that I'm ever going in with the same level of issues. I suppose it is because, except for the last two days that I have not been singing because of studying for finals, I practice every day. I'm learning. It does seem to be a matter of applying new technique to old voice. Which is hard because old voice is familiar and new technique is exciting. I'm trying to find some happy middle ground. Middle ground that we have found in my lessons feels like old technique. Curious.
So last week was the last week of formal lessons for the semester. I did sign up for two 1/2 hour lessons next week to have some sanity from studying and to make sure I still am singing. We'll see what happens.
We did decide to go forward in me having a recital in April. Which was quite a questioned option in September. I'm pleased about that. I hope I'm ready. We may still decide in March to postpone it. I know it will be for my best interests but I hope I am ready.
Cross fingers for me.

Just when I think...

So Monday, yay, even Tuesday... not such good singing days. Lots of tension in my jaw and neck. I really felt like I fatigued so quickly each of my (4) practices only lasted 40 minutes or so. I go in to my lesson on Wednesday and, poof, all problems disappear. I had worried all two days and then I feel like a car owner telling the shop that there really is a squeak. Great lesson, fixed problems, started addressing some new stuff. Weird. Voices are weird.
Well, I think I'll call that a good week.

Through my thick skull

So I was reading Lamperti's book "Vocal Wisdom" for some inspiration, when in reading about focus of tone and consistent vibrancy, this is the thought that I went to. I kind of like it so I thought I would share.

Unvoiced consonants are like the galloping of a horse. Not at all times are its hooves on the ground, but the energy and coordination keep moving forward.

Todays mantra.

So i need to find a strong mantra to keep going after singing in master-class and really putting myself out there for everyone to see... it's not pretty guys. I'm at a very awkward stage. It felt like ass. I made the joke that it sounded to me like a donkey baying... but what I really meant is that it felt like the sound was shit that was spewing from my mouth... how lovely. I am so uncomfortable with singing now. It is not fun anymore. I liked it before because it felt like a conduit to express and share, now it feels like the opposite. I really am not enjoying the process. I must find some new avenue or way of approaching this change in technique. My throat feels so caged, so much tension. How in the hell did I get accepted into school? Sure the vibrancy is more even but nothing about it is comfortable anymore, and I think it sounds strangled.

So here it is. Todays mantra...
"The only real limits on your potential are the ones you put on yourself. If something is standing in your way, find another route."

Eve of my next lesson

So two weeks ago it was dizziness. I was taking too big of a breath for the phrase so the breath got stale. Last week it was sweats. I don't even know what caused it... although I'm sure it was psychological. I was so weirded out by the sound I was making I'd get nervous and have a hot flash. Ugh.
This week... well I have a lesson tomorrow, so I'll tell you then.

Change is hard.

So in figuring out what is my most healthy sustainable quality I get to make some interesting noises, in my opinion. The accompanist is happy. My teacher is happy. I am not. I wish I could hear what they hear but I think it sounds like crap: strained, throaty, childlike, and thin. I know this is only part of the process and not the result. If this was the ideal sound for my voice, I would quit it all right now and take up business again. Thankfully it is not, so I'm not. I really love school. I hate the stage I'm at though. I really enjoy performing and I do not fell that I have anything worth presenting. Notes are learned, words are memorized, intention and mood examined, dynamics applied, yet nothing I consider "a performable sound".
I am trying to do what I consider undergraduate work in unifying my registers. So I pulled teeth and got my professor to agree to an extra 1/2 hour lesson. So I saw him for 1 hour of tech and 1/2 hour of rep. I am so glad I did, it will be worth every penny.
I listened to an audio recording of Wednesday's lesson last night while laying in bed. It think I got a gist of what they hear. I just have such a strong physical connection to the sound and it feels harder and more muscle engagement in different places than ever before. I need to come to terms with this energy. It is not effort-filled but there is effort. It sounds brighter but fuller. I have to coordinate differently than before, I am okay with the idea of that.
I think I will go and listen again. I might learn something.

Ugh!

I haven't been sleeping well. I just can't sleep through muscle spasms. Who knew?
So I feel weak. Last night I went for coffee with some friends, which was great fun. I didn't drink caffeine because of the hour, but I did have an unfortunate muscle spasm. It was so bad that my heart started racing and beating really hard. Not fun.

So at my lesson today... I was wiped. I still had the desire, but it felt like pulling teeth to coordinate myself. My gracious teacher noticed that I was feeling like less than myself and gave me some great ideas to combat the situation. Great suggestions like "Gravol". I forgot about "Gravol". I'm not a bath person but to have a hot, relaxing bath is a stellar idea too.

He tried to make a light hearted serious joke with me today about how emotionally draining retraining these core technical things can be. Myself, as the ever desirous person to laugh that I am, made a joke right back. I don't think he got it though. The dynamic with a new voice teacher is so interesting for the first year. Never really sure where the boundaries are with each other, getting to understand the other persons history. As a voice teacher myself I always found that first year with a student to be a test year. For some students it might take less or more. He'll get me yet.

So then my plan tonight is to listen to some Schubert, and go to bed early. What will I actually do? Download music and Facebook is what I will do.

For later

I have yet to integrate my chest and head voices smoothly. I have always managed my registration with a head down method, singing head voice lower. Since my chest voice has a very good balance of inspiration and glottal engagement, I must find that laryngeal balance higher. So with the guidance of my professor I must blend up, not down. I have to retrain my overblown vocal folds. It is not just the acquiring of the new technique that is causing the frustration, but figuring out this new laryngeal balance means at this moment I will sound pretty bad. The embarrassment in retraining really is testing me. It is hard to allow myself to sound this kind of bad and here is why.
When I was working on the blending yesterday there were a couple girls in the hall and they burst into laughter. I know it sounds horrible; it is strained, throaty, sounds like yelling, and the vowels are too spread. So now I'm only going to go practise at after 5:00 when there are less people there. BAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Calm

So my lesson today was probably the most fundamental technique lesson on breathing and onset I have ever experienced. Yet I have this sense of weird calm about it. I went into the lesson with hopes but no expectations. I was willing to be creative, look foolish, and listen out side my head for sounds in response to what my teacher was asking of me.
In his words... 'today you came further than... at any point up to this point, and today you showed yourself that you're going to make changes, that you can make these changes... change deeply ingrained physical coordinations and your concepts of singing."
This should scare the Beelzebub out of me. It would have last week. Simply because everything I knew physically about creating a sound is different with what he was getting me to do. It feels different. It sounds different. The energy is different. My jaw and the resonance is different. But different is scary, different is unfamiliar, and different is difficult to recreate. But not today.
I believe my calm is because I trust this teacher. I don't believe I have fully trusted an applied voice teacher before. I have always been second guessing and critically analyzing everything in the past. But this one... has been there, done that, and proven his teachings with his former students. All that I have studied, and I studied singing treatises for fun in my spare time, he has not said anything that I have not read before by historically acclaimed pedagogues. Just the words he chooses to challenges me, the order of exercises in which he takes me through the lessons, his patience as he pauses for a split second so I may absorb the new physicality, with this I'm not worried. Change is good. This... is... good. :>

Why do I do this?

Why indeed! Each small nuance of my being is tied up in pursuing the art of fine vocal performing. Being picked apart by my honest professional teacher, who graciously corrects my base fundamental techniques repeatedly, even though these were concepts I have been familiar with for years and have even successfully taught, shatters my resolve.
I am finding myself going through the long list of self encouraging mantras that I have compiled over the years. Today I look for the one that will carry me through till tomorrow.
So will it be... "They must have heard something to accept me into this masters program in the first place. I can't be all horrible."
Or is it... "Singing is not a realm where those who can't do it teach it. This is a field where a teacher has to deliver too. I get new ways of thinking about the fundamentals so in this I must be becoming a better teacher."
Or... "I may not be there yet, but it is all in my best interests."
Don't we all want to be better than we are? I would hope so. I don't want anyone to settle for mediocrity, let alone myself. I have already attained in singing what some other people would not even bother dreaming of. They gave up even before they started.
So then to answer my own question, why do I do this?
Well... today it is because it makes me a better person. These growing pains are just that, the acquisition of new skill. That's not too shabby in my books.

So tomorrow is a new lesson

I am going into my lesson tomorrow with the practise from this past week. I worked on my onsets. I guess my over blown onsets (surprise to me - I thought my onsets were good) were contributing to my vocal fatigue much more than I realized. I feel so fresh this week after practising for two hours. Before, I was done after two hours.

He gave me hints on my posture too. I know after the car accident last summer, I was left with back, shoulder, and neck pain. This new posture pointed out something that I was actively trying to fix in myself, but I could not find on my own. I hope I have been emulating his advice well. Breaking old habits is hard. I don't feel comfortable in the new posture. It feels weird. I feel so... centered. I know I should be, but new body positions call a myriad of question into play. How do I breath in this new posture? Is my sternum still raised? My resonance feels weird now? What do I do with my head? ...

Isn't that just the case when it comes to breaking old habits? Oh the joy of learning and being a dynamic creature.

Did I mention that this will be my second lesson?

Staccato

So I had my first meeting with my new applied instructor. I am very excited about it.
One of the things I gleaned from my meeting is that staccato is still vibrant. It is still possible to have vibrato on the fast notes. I must not hold or go straight tone while releasing staccato. Staccato is like a slow laugh. Enjoy it. It is not the abdomen slowly moving inwards with an exhale, but a bouncing.
Funny thing is I thought I was already doing that. Interesting how the sounds inside our head differ from what people hear. Why do I feel like this could be a running theme. "But, I thought I was already doing that." Well I guess that's why I'm going back to school. Education here I come, bring it on! :)

Stand up straight.

No hip sagging, chest slumping, or excessive head elevation. Give the body the freedom to create sound. Let it breath and stretch as it needs to.
This also means to be as flexible as possible. Be sure that you are not rigidly holding the body in one shape. A noble posture is also dynamic.

Focus

Don't worry about the sound you are currently making, it's done. Give it direction and a space to go to.
If I am worried about the sound that is currently going on then I am trying to fix the past. The sound that I heard is done. What I can do is give my body directions on where the sound is going to be. Releasing the jaw, lifting the zygomatic arch, not holding the breath, release the tongue: these are thing I can do. - Oh how I wish I had learned this sooner--

What I have learned through my voice career.

As I endeavour to travel the next leg of my musical journey, I thought I would share my thoughts, triumphs, and experiences. This blog will hopefully be a chance for the reader to be inspired with the knowledge I have gleaned from my teachers over the years, and then perhaps avoid some of the musical pitfalls I have endured.

If I believe something, I had better have a sound technical reason for believing in it or I should not be applying that technique.
Some people can sing without understanding why. I am not one of those people. Blind faith that a good sound will come out has not proven productive. Learning the hows and whys allows me to have a much more rewarding experience, since I can then successfully recreate the music. Questioning is not a bad or disrespectful to my instructor. Continued absurd technique is.