Change is hard.

So in figuring out what is my most healthy sustainable quality I get to make some interesting noises, in my opinion. The accompanist is happy. My teacher is happy. I am not. I wish I could hear what they hear but I think it sounds like crap: strained, throaty, childlike, and thin. I know this is only part of the process and not the result. If this was the ideal sound for my voice, I would quit it all right now and take up business again. Thankfully it is not, so I'm not. I really love school. I hate the stage I'm at though. I really enjoy performing and I do not fell that I have anything worth presenting. Notes are learned, words are memorized, intention and mood examined, dynamics applied, yet nothing I consider "a performable sound".
I am trying to do what I consider undergraduate work in unifying my registers. So I pulled teeth and got my professor to agree to an extra 1/2 hour lesson. So I saw him for 1 hour of tech and 1/2 hour of rep. I am so glad I did, it will be worth every penny.
I listened to an audio recording of Wednesday's lesson last night while laying in bed. It think I got a gist of what they hear. I just have such a strong physical connection to the sound and it feels harder and more muscle engagement in different places than ever before. I need to come to terms with this energy. It is not effort-filled but there is effort. It sounds brighter but fuller. I have to coordinate differently than before, I am okay with the idea of that.
I think I will go and listen again. I might learn something.