Just when I think...

So Monday, yay, even Tuesday... not such good singing days. Lots of tension in my jaw and neck. I really felt like I fatigued so quickly each of my (4) practices only lasted 40 minutes or so. I go in to my lesson on Wednesday and, poof, all problems disappear. I had worried all two days and then I feel like a car owner telling the shop that there really is a squeak. Great lesson, fixed problems, started addressing some new stuff. Weird. Voices are weird.
Well, I think I'll call that a good week.

Through my thick skull

So I was reading Lamperti's book "Vocal Wisdom" for some inspiration, when in reading about focus of tone and consistent vibrancy, this is the thought that I went to. I kind of like it so I thought I would share.

Unvoiced consonants are like the galloping of a horse. Not at all times are its hooves on the ground, but the energy and coordination keep moving forward.

Todays mantra.

So i need to find a strong mantra to keep going after singing in master-class and really putting myself out there for everyone to see... it's not pretty guys. I'm at a very awkward stage. It felt like ass. I made the joke that it sounded to me like a donkey baying... but what I really meant is that it felt like the sound was shit that was spewing from my mouth... how lovely. I am so uncomfortable with singing now. It is not fun anymore. I liked it before because it felt like a conduit to express and share, now it feels like the opposite. I really am not enjoying the process. I must find some new avenue or way of approaching this change in technique. My throat feels so caged, so much tension. How in the hell did I get accepted into school? Sure the vibrancy is more even but nothing about it is comfortable anymore, and I think it sounds strangled.

So here it is. Todays mantra...
"The only real limits on your potential are the ones you put on yourself. If something is standing in your way, find another route."

Eve of my next lesson

So two weeks ago it was dizziness. I was taking too big of a breath for the phrase so the breath got stale. Last week it was sweats. I don't even know what caused it... although I'm sure it was psychological. I was so weirded out by the sound I was making I'd get nervous and have a hot flash. Ugh.
This week... well I have a lesson tomorrow, so I'll tell you then.

Change is hard.

So in figuring out what is my most healthy sustainable quality I get to make some interesting noises, in my opinion. The accompanist is happy. My teacher is happy. I am not. I wish I could hear what they hear but I think it sounds like crap: strained, throaty, childlike, and thin. I know this is only part of the process and not the result. If this was the ideal sound for my voice, I would quit it all right now and take up business again. Thankfully it is not, so I'm not. I really love school. I hate the stage I'm at though. I really enjoy performing and I do not fell that I have anything worth presenting. Notes are learned, words are memorized, intention and mood examined, dynamics applied, yet nothing I consider "a performable sound".
I am trying to do what I consider undergraduate work in unifying my registers. So I pulled teeth and got my professor to agree to an extra 1/2 hour lesson. So I saw him for 1 hour of tech and 1/2 hour of rep. I am so glad I did, it will be worth every penny.
I listened to an audio recording of Wednesday's lesson last night while laying in bed. It think I got a gist of what they hear. I just have such a strong physical connection to the sound and it feels harder and more muscle engagement in different places than ever before. I need to come to terms with this energy. It is not effort-filled but there is effort. It sounds brighter but fuller. I have to coordinate differently than before, I am okay with the idea of that.
I think I will go and listen again. I might learn something.

Ugh!

I haven't been sleeping well. I just can't sleep through muscle spasms. Who knew?
So I feel weak. Last night I went for coffee with some friends, which was great fun. I didn't drink caffeine because of the hour, but I did have an unfortunate muscle spasm. It was so bad that my heart started racing and beating really hard. Not fun.

So at my lesson today... I was wiped. I still had the desire, but it felt like pulling teeth to coordinate myself. My gracious teacher noticed that I was feeling like less than myself and gave me some great ideas to combat the situation. Great suggestions like "Gravol". I forgot about "Gravol". I'm not a bath person but to have a hot, relaxing bath is a stellar idea too.

He tried to make a light hearted serious joke with me today about how emotionally draining retraining these core technical things can be. Myself, as the ever desirous person to laugh that I am, made a joke right back. I don't think he got it though. The dynamic with a new voice teacher is so interesting for the first year. Never really sure where the boundaries are with each other, getting to understand the other persons history. As a voice teacher myself I always found that first year with a student to be a test year. For some students it might take less or more. He'll get me yet.

So then my plan tonight is to listen to some Schubert, and go to bed early. What will I actually do? Download music and Facebook is what I will do.

For later

I have yet to integrate my chest and head voices smoothly. I have always managed my registration with a head down method, singing head voice lower. Since my chest voice has a very good balance of inspiration and glottal engagement, I must find that laryngeal balance higher. So with the guidance of my professor I must blend up, not down. I have to retrain my overblown vocal folds. It is not just the acquiring of the new technique that is causing the frustration, but figuring out this new laryngeal balance means at this moment I will sound pretty bad. The embarrassment in retraining really is testing me. It is hard to allow myself to sound this kind of bad and here is why.
When I was working on the blending yesterday there were a couple girls in the hall and they burst into laughter. I know it sounds horrible; it is strained, throaty, sounds like yelling, and the vowels are too spread. So now I'm only going to go practise at after 5:00 when there are less people there. BAAAAAAAAAAAA!