Weighing in on this topic

Over the last year I have made a concerted effort to be healthier and loose weight. I honestly didn't do it for my looks. I did it because I didn't feel good, I was always tired, and I wasn't sleeping well. At the time that I made the decision I weighed almost 160 pounds.

I don't believe in fancy diets. I simply started to eat better, watched the quantities, watched what time of day I was eating, and I exercised regularly (2 times a week for about 45-1 hour, most weeks, sometimes one, sometimes 3) and tried to be more active in life in general. It took me a year to loose it but I finally got to where I am feeling good again. I have my energy back and I am sleeping better than I have in a long time. I'm now 110 pounds. I am 5'2".

I have one problem now. People are surprisingly mean to me about my weight. I've heard many surprisingly snide comments about how I must have done some trick, or I couldn't possibly understand their over weight issues, or with how I look now it's impossible to have weighed more, or I've never had babies, and I've been told flat out that I am lying about being bigger. I have even been scolded for not using some dieting trick.

To these people I say, "Get over yourselves!" Just because I have a sense of humour about having a tape worm (I don't have a tape worm, gross) and am maintaining my weight doesn't mean I'm barfing or starving myself. I did it the old fashioned way, by being conscientious and patient. I think the mean things that have been said to me are because those misplaced people want what I have accomplished and they are only seeing the results, not the work over the year that I put in to it.

I will not let those who make those snide comments make me feel bad about how I look anymore: Sure it's hard to find my size in a store now because they're always sold out. Sure I have to buy a new wardrobe which makes my broke-ass even more broke. Sure my boobs are 3 cup sizes smaller than before and slightly less perky (I'm 37 years old it was bound to happen anyways).

But! I won't heed those negative comments any more: I don't start fires with the friction of my thighs rubbing together. I don't knock items off tables with my hips as I walk through a restaurant. I can eat ice cream without guilt. I get to buy all new lingerie. I sleep well at night now.

Pfffff in your general direction "you."

It is the time of year for reflection

It's the time of year that people think of home and spending time with the people that matter to them. I believe this is why people make new years resolutions: The time for making right what was wrong and moving on from what was. In reflecting back on my 2012 I realize it was definitely the anticipated year of change in my life: I moved to Germany. Here is what I (re)learned, what I wish to share with the people I know... in broken sentences.

*You will not find happiness IN another person. People do not FIND happiness within a relationship, because someone else does not determine your happiness. You decide happiness for yourself. If you are not happy, don't blame the person you choose to spend your time with. You must find it within yourself first and then bring that dynamic to the relationship. Fix your own attitude first. Don't expect a partner or friend to do the work for you. It is no ones job to make you happy, nor is it yours to make anyone else happy. Ever.
*Your attitude determines how you treat people. If you don't like how you are being treated, then change how you treat them. Life and relationships are about meeting on common ground. Yes there is give and take and a seesaw at all times in any relationship, but happiness is created both ways. Be sure to bring your best self to the situation, and from that you grow together and make a future.
*If you feel bad, or guilty, you're doing something wrong. Growing up means making choices and sticking to them. That is character. It is nice to say you think something, but your repeated pattern of behaviour is what defines you. Think strongly at this time of year on what that character is. If you're not happy with it... then it is time to grow up, or move on. Sorry.
*Things that come to you easily, are not cherished. If you haven't worked for something, you can't complain about it's outcome. If you complain a lot, stop it.
*This next one is hard and constantly corrective... but don't treat others based on your opinion. As someone once said in a musical: (cause I get all my good lines from musicals...) "Are people born wicked or do they have wickedness thrust upon them?" It is your perception that will determine how you respond to someone. If you look for it you will find it regardless of whether or not it is actually there. I learned that over 10 years ago and it holds as true today as it did then. If you don't like someone or something... think hard about how you perceive it and their actions. Is it your "eye of the beholder" or is that actually what they are doing? This one is a hard thing, because once you get the hang of putting yourself in others shoes, it sucks when other side can't.
*The most difficult thing in life for me is watching others not become everything they could be. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make the rain fall. People must learn for themselves; to develop their own character. One of my wise sisters once said to me, learning from others mistakes and hearing others guidance can be just as good as learning from your own mistakes, but way less painful. Be wise to the wisdom of others experiences, for it can save you a lot of heartache. Yet the advice giver can only offer, the listener must still take it to heart for themselves. As giver let others learn, and be patient in their process as you hope they will be with you and yours.
*"You got to know when to hold em'... know when to fold em', know when to walk away, know when to run." I am like my father... I stick it out to the bitter end. This proclivity is a strength, and a weakness when it is bitter. Ignoring problems is not fixing them, and attacking problems can be just as bad. Some situations are best just left alone because they don't matter and stirring the pot only makes them worse.
*People will only get from what you say, what they want to hear. If you read this far, I applaud you and I hope I helped a little.
This post is also included as a guest post at Life, debt and everything in between. Click here to read.

Performing sick

We all dread it, but if you perform on any kind of frequency, crippling things happen in real life that don't belong on the stage: Laryngitis, flu/sickness, food poisoning, or personal crisis.

On a recent occasion I had to perform while in the height of a bought stomach flu. I had chills and fever, cramps, kidney pain and nausea. Yet, my character was not sick and so the audience did not want to know that I personally was. My close friends in the cast knew to rise me before my scene to make sure I would get on stage in time, but my true saving grace was honest practice. The audience never was the wiser.

We always hear to rehearse like you are in a performance and now I have a new reason. It was that muscle memory saved me from my reality. The second before entering stage in rehearsal I was involved in my character, and this time in performance I had that to rely on. Back stage I was barely able to stand but on stage my character was an over-determined, ratty, mean, bitch of a woman.

The hardest part for me was definitely exhaustion and how this sickness affected my breathing. Breathing was not a problem for spoken dialogue, I just choose a few different points of focus, but alas for the sustained singing in the higher ranges. It is hard to flex those muscles that don't care about your characters needs. I thank my professors enthusiastically for the years of excellent training they afforded me. It is because of them and their wisdom that I could rely on the technique and trust the physical exploration I have come to be able to employ.

The audience did not want to know, I did not want to show it, and proper training afforded the result: a standing ovation.

Why are you trying so hard?

I find this is something that keeps coming up in my studio. In my preparation and with my students. I like it for its two fold meaning: "Why are you over doing that extra physical effort?" (Over breathing, unwilling/unable to let go of preconceived effort, practically screaming, and why is there so much tension in your body when you sing?) More than that though I like "What drives you?"
Everything that is worth doing requires some effort, but what motivates you? This question has no stock answer. It's different for every activity. Its the key to smokers quitting. It's the drive to lift 300 pounds at the gym (I don't remember if that is a lot. It sounds like a lot to me at this moment.) Why is the foundation of character and who we are. We are what we do, more so than what we say. So in the development of personal potential, why then do you sing? Are you truly interested in learning a new skill, or are you looking for an ego stroke? Are you truly ready to rise up to the challenge of making a change? When that change meets you face on, do you allow it or attack it?
Your creativity and flexibility is what will determine your success. You will surround yourself with the people that will help or hinder to the level that you can handle. When the help arrives, will you be focused to follow through?
It is surprising to me how the most flexible, engaged, and effortless things in singing creates the clearest and most beautifulest tones. Yet as the embodiment of our own instrument we constantly struggle and fight ourselves, adding in extra stress where it's not needed. What drives you? Why do you struggle with the same fights? Have you made your goals and are truly seeing them through?
These are not answers found in a blog. I do not believe they are that hard to discover either. If we take a minute to listen to ourselves and how we react to our challenges we will know: What motivates me? It is then that our true creativity and best laid efforts can be reached.

Daft & drat = draft

Is picking repertoire ever done? Even seconds before the event occurs, is the repertoire ever settled on? Yesterday I was giving some of the repertoire a third go over. I hate some of it. I am so glad that the people I collaborate with are wonderful people and flexible and let me nix things at this stage of the game. I strive to be that way too, but some of it just makes me want to scream: "WHY DID YOU WRITE THIS? IT SOUNDS LIKE SCREAMING AND HAS NO MELODY!"

I know it's not supposed to be good for a classically trained musician to hate Contemporary music, but this stuff is just so inaccessible. It makes me want to barf with it's difficult and vague tonalities. There is some of it that I just love. The set I'm preparing now by David L.McIntyre from Saskatchewan, Canada, that I'm preparing IS JUST WONDERFUL. Barber and Britten are exquisite. Yet some just makes me feel like I've burst into a satirical version of 'Anything you can play I can sing different." Honestly, some times during practice, I do burst into that song.

I believe it is my job as a musician to make music accessible to the audience in their one moment that they will hear it during the concert. I have to give all those dots on the page purpose so that the audience feels connected. This contemporary music is so, awkward. Yup. Word of the day... awkward. Why all the time signature switches? Why the vague tonalities? Why scribe a range that is so high that words are indistinguishable? What's with all those weird leaps?

I heard numerous times in school that to make it in this business todays' musician has to get over their aversion to 20th century music. It's in the modern age of music that we will make the most of our money. I believe that is unfortunate and true. It's through premiers and exposure that we as a musical group support each other. A dead composer cares little if I perform his works, but my composer friend will bend over backwards for me to present his music. Oy there's the rub. "Just get over it, it's here to stay." I suppose I am glad I'm a strong interpreter and that I can make sense of all that random ink on a page that is called modern music.

Is this the laments of a truly frustrated musician or a legit complaint? We're also told in school, "Know thy audience." So do these people want to hear it even. For a student or academic audience it's a given. But for the lay person who's trying a classical concert for the first time? I can honestly say from my experience and feed back, NO it's not something to share with a layperson audience. Is it my job to present it so well the\is audience does not even realize they're listening to a tone row? Is that even possible?

What I do know is I have a German premier of an amazing set of music coming up in a couple months. Regardless of how difficult the music is, I'd better get the lead out so that my audience will want to hear my encore. Or, heavens forbid they leave at intermission.

I plan on teaching... so you had better plan on learning.

I had THAT frustrating conversation with the parent of a potential student today about what they think is a reasonable price for a lesson and why my lesson fees are "so much higher". From time to time this topic comes up and I always cringe when it does. This is not a rant to educate these people, this is my honest opinion of how cheap and stupid I think these people are. I am worth paying for, get over it!

As a musician who has made it to the point in my life where it is possible to live off of my teaching and performing earnings, trying to explain to 'mom of the next big child star' why the lesson fee is 'so high' is easily the most irritating part of the process. I hate feeling like I have to justify why they must come to my studio and I can't come to their house, that I am in demand and I can't drop everything to give them the one specific time slot that they feel is easiest for them, why the accompanist is not free, why they must buy their own repertoire books, or any other fee that is reasonable. These things make me want to drop them before we even begin. I am certain to love teaching your kid but you, parent, are souring the lessons with your attempts to nickel and dime me out of every cent that I deserve.

I find it difficult to tell this person that they should find another teacher. I know what they will get for the price they are looking to pay and I don't want to see anyone suffer like that. I find it disrespectful to my profession. I've paid big bucks to some wonderful teachers over the years and they deserved every penny. Mostly, I find it insulting to me personally when strangers think I should be charging less. With my education and years of experience my fees are VERY reasonable. If you think my price is too high you need to look for another teacher and leave me alone. You are hiring me to help you develop a skill and discover the potential talent within, and to foster a passion for life not just a passion for right now.

In the interests of being a kind and levelheaded person, I do my best to not get irate and explain calmly to the ignorant jerk of a parent that when you sign up for lessons in my studio you are getting not just something for your child to do for a half hour to an hour a week, but someone who is passionate and serious about something that is worth being passionate and serious about. Music and art is the quality in our lives. When you ask these questions it makes me think you are not worth the effort I put into my studio. You will get every cent back you pay to me in my sweat and your results. I have spent a life time of sweat, anxiety, heart, and money into my education. Based on that, my performance experience, and my previous students history I will not teach your daughter for $10/hour.  I can't live off of that wage and it is insulting to me that you expect me to, that you think I even should. If you are looking for that kind of fee then feel free to take lessons from the hack up the street without a decent education, that will have your child frustrated and sounding horrid in very short order. Good luck getting into my studio then to fix that stuff.

I'm also NOT interested in teaching pop music to you or your child. I am so tired of justifying this to the narrow minded. If you want to be entertained once a week with some karaoke tune, then go hang out with your friends in your basement or local bar and let-er rip. You are hiring me to teach, not to entertain. The  lessons are fun and stimulating but I'm not a babysitter or a buddy, I'm your teacher. Mine is a big picture studio. Like anything that is worth doing, this takes some effort. Your effort and mine. I have already put in that effort into my own voice so I know what is to be expected of a student. I believe pop music is about bending the rules of singing to attain a certain aesthetic. I intend to teach you the proper rules and processes of singing first though. After that you can bend them to your own will for years to come. I know then that my lessons involve challenging the student on many of their preconceived notions of what they think must happen to achieve a beautiful voice. I want to foster good musicianship in you to help you find your voice, to develop your creative listening skills. I will not do this with in the idiom of popular song. You came to me to learn how to sing. That is what I intend to do. For that I deserve to be compensated accordingly. If you want me to teach pop music then expect my lesson fees to go through the roof. I need to be much better compensated for my time if I'm to be subjected to listen to that all day long.

I can't help but to add a rant about how you seem to forget that the stupid fee you pay to me is WHAT I LIVE OFF OF. It is my only source of income. It is not only the music related expenses I need to cover with your fee. I pay taxes off this fee. I buy groceries and gas for my piece of crap car that gets me to your lesson off this fee. I pay healthcare off this fee. I still have to cover the rental of the studio/building, even if you decide to flippantly cancel, off this fee. It is not just the time in your lesson that this fee covers either, but all the lesson planning, scheduling, and appropriate repertoire research for your lesson that I do when you don't see me. There is a significant amount of lesson planning and mental sweat that I spend on each student. My partner constantly complained that I spent all my time in front of the computer lesson planning instead of with him. Well, guess that means I get to listen to you complain that my fees are too high as well.

So if I go cross eyed and start twitching when you ask me to justify my rates, trust me I can justify my rates. Aaaaaand welcome to my studio.... you big jerk.

And away we go! Looking forward to this!

Here's how it has gone down so far. A good friend and I decided to do a recital in the US, where he's from. We wanted to do a summer recital, but he ended up being in Texas all summer with his doctorate degree he is doing. So then the option was for me was to go to Texas at the end of July for the performance in the firs bit of August. What was I thinking for heat stroke sake, I do not know. So far this is all great right? Performances, new locations, immersing myself in music?

Well in the meantime I decided it was a good idea to coach this repertoire with one of my good friends here in Mannheim. She's a brilliant pianist and a super sensitive collaborator. She is also very good at giving me the harsh feedback that I crave. (I sometimes wish she didn't sugar coat what she wants to say as much as she does, but that's part of the sweet appeal of her.) So we coach to prepare me to walk into the Texas recital and then I get this brilliant idea. If we are going to do all this work coaching it, why don't we do a recital too?

On track with me so far?

Planning and practicing for the recitals then are in full swing. Oh the excitement and the trepidation. The following steps have been done though: theme has been chosen, reworked, deliberated, ignored, rehashed, and written in erasable pen. The initial picking of the repertoire (and the so far 4 edits of said repertoire) has been decided, the ensuring identical copies of the pieces are in the hands of all collaborators, Texas date is set, and the Germany tentative date chosen. Still to do/find; decent recording equipment/technician, Germany location, Germany date, advertise, making and printing of the advertisement posters and programs, deciding on reception, to bouquet or not to bouquet the performance venue, and mostly learn the last few pieces before the polishing can begin. The fundraising for both recitals have begun too. Magical things like flight, advertising, travel for coachings, coaching fees, hall rental fees, piano tuning fees, and collaborator recital fee all need to be paid for somehow. Heavens forbid I should get my hopes up to raise enough to buy a proper gown for the event. Maybe I can find a friend here whom will loan me their gown? Wishful thinking there?

This administrative side of recitals is just as consuming as learning/preparing the music. I've done many recitals in my day, so I'm getting good at it. Yet, I still would be nice to know some current ideas for variety and time efficiency to make these labours of love less labourous. Well, I'm off to the studio to practice for an hour before my teaching schedule kicks in for the day. Do you remember I'm still in that other theatre show in May/June while preparing my student for their studio recital? And it's only April.

I'll keep you posted on the planning and learning of the music. Or, I'll just vent all the extra energy I have here in my blog. Snicker - extra energy!? Who's kidding who now. More like recognition of a workaholic state.